Our Blogging 101 assignment was to pick an event from the Community Event listings and participate. I am participating in monthly challenge of Your Woo Story by straightwoo.com. #MyWooStory My Woo Story.
So I am cheating a little by reposting from a blog I started in 2013 that went for a bout a year, until my dad got sick and I had to put everything on hold for my family. That blog was called My Grail Quest.
Fifteen years ago, I had a dark night of the soul that set me on a journey to find something sacred to believe in. Most of the time, it felt like I was thrashing around in a dark tunnel with no direction whatsoever. Occasionally I’d latch on to a philosophy and read it to death. I ended up with bookcases of material, some noteworthy, some dreadful.
But no direction.
This was frustrating. I wanted a plan but mostly I wanted (a or any) god to drop a neon sign that Clearly Gave Direction, as to what I was here for, and what I was to do. Because I’ve always felt this dissatisfying itch, that I was supposed to “do” something. Something…Big. Something…Important.
A lot of dialogue went on in my head. I kept asking for signs. One morning, a voice screamed in my head “You have what you need, within you.”
So this is my Grail Quest. To find what I have, within me.
Some of these posts will no doubt skirt the subject, but whatever the ‘something’ is, I’ll find out.
I am having a pretty good week, quest-wise. I feel the Connection to the Source, which is reassuring. Wednesday morning I felt confident enough to do a shamanic journey.
Journeying is like reading the Tarot cards, you have to be in the right frame of mind. No anxiety or stress because that will cut your connection to Source. No desperation because you’ll be reaching for an outcome.
Those can be rare conditions and I took advantage of feeling at peace.
As usual, my question involved What Am I Here To Do? I worry I’m wasting my time on earth. And that time is running out. And that I won’t find another job that’s fulfilling and that supports me. Ugh. Monkey mind.
In my journey, I was shown a beautiful swimming pool. Clear blue water under a sunny sky. My teacher said “Look at the water. It’s always water but sometimes it’s the ocean, sometimes it’s rain. Sometimes it’s ice or snow or vapor. But …”
“It’s always water,” I said.
“It doesn’t have a problem with that.”
I heard an implied question. I’m the one who has a problem being who I am.
Who was I?
“Can I go in the pool?”
“Of course,” he lit a cigarette. He was wearing frayed cut offs. “You can take it with you, you know.”
I got in and floated. It felt amazing. Relaxing. Just to be.
And that was the message.
It’s ok to just “Be” or “be.”