A less bitter post

Bitterness and being run down, ran through my last post. Sorry there.

So today I want to talk about cursing and soul loss

Your words have power. So do the images you see.

This week, I encountered two versions of this. download 2


download 1

In the first instance, cursing – as in cursing someone – I got in the way of someone else’s anger and hostility. It doesn’t matter why or who they really should have directed this at, they directed it at me.

We’ve all been there. People project, they’re scared, whatever. But they lash out and you’re the target. Sometimes you can walk away from this, sometimes it follows you. In my case, at this time, it felt like a dark cloud of stinging bees in my chest.

Now, this is not some Woo Woo thing, this is the power of the spoken word, backed up with emotion. Very high emotion. To the point I felt I was vibrating with it. Since I was at work, and thankfully not operating heavy machinery, i.e., my car, I tried to get myself to ground, to breathe deeply and to let go.

If you’ve been involved in any type of body work: yoga, reiki, chi qong, you know that breathing correctly, fully and deeply, is very important part of getting centered and being in a place to let go. In other words, release the fight or flight feeling.

Now, I’m fully aware of all the right things to do, but I am blessed to have a shamanic community to reach out to, and so I did. I texted Lisa, and she sent healing, calm energy. Between her energy help, and my practices, I could function at work within a short time.

What if I had not done this?

I would have sat with this energy-that-did-not-belong, all day, all by myself, reliving the words, the feelings, what I should have said, blah blah blah. And even though I was pretty ok after a short time, for sure the experience stung. It was misplaced, I did not react or respond in kind, but it still had a bad effect. And this is what cursing is. You’re sitting with energy that was flung (or taken or however it came to you) at you and IT IS NOT YOURS. Now, imagine being so scattered by the emotions that you get behind the wheel of a car. This is recipe for an accident. See? curse.

The second incident – soul- loss, happened to a friend.



He saw an online petition to stop animal cruelty, and when he clicked, a video of two young kids torturing and killing a dog, played. The adults filming were laughing and egging them on. (For the record, this was a FB video that a rescue group was trying to find the source of, to arrest the people involved, however, that was not clear on the site.)

Anyway, my friend experienced soul-loss. He was so deeply affected by the images that he could not get himself together. He couldn’t get warm, he couldn’t eat. He was deeply distressed. He also has had a lot training, and couldn’t overcome this by himself. He did ritual with his own rescue dog, to honor the soul of the dog in the video, but he was hurting.

He also reached out, to our group and to other practitioners he as worked with.

So, this is a cautionary post. Watch how you feel. Check in with yourself, especially if you spend time on social media or watching the news. What you see and hear does affect you – it affects your cells as well as your emotional well-being.

There are a zillion awesome and loving souls out there, but it only takes a couple zingers to send you into a place you don’t want to be. Find your center, find a community and be well.



“The Life Changing Magic…”

I went through the self-help book craze awhile ago, like in my forties. Then a couple weeks ago a friend posted this title on her FB page.

It is a very irreverent look at how good, responsible people get so caught up in other peoples’ perceived obligations (to those other people), that their own lives are shunted to the side, or worse, lost altogether.

Read an excerpt

I have been feelng under-water with my life. The past 18 months have been wrapped up in parental care and the bureaucracy that follows death. One of the tasks is to sell my parent’s home to ensure funds for mom’s care.

I am one of three kids. Like so many parents did, they tagged each of us with what they thought was our dominate trait. The Smart One, The Funny One and The Responsible One.

Guess which one I am?

I didn’t actually appreciate having to clean out a large house (filled a 5 ton dumpster) or manage mom’s care with only my husband to help. I did however get a lot of neat excuses.

“It’s not possible” to the request to come home and help me move mom.

“oh dear” to the night I spent in the ER with mom

“…..” That’s a zero response after I called out The Funny One on his promises, that he didn’t keep – to mom, not to me.

I read the book for the laughs. But guess what? I actually found some useful information including a flow chart and several diagrams.

THANK YOU SARAH! I keep this in my purse.

What it boils down to, is you only have so many cares (replace with F word) to give in a day – or a lifetime. Those cares represent time, money and emotions.

Think about that. How much emotion or time or money can you give to other people’s stuff? It depends right? And how guilty should you feel when you say no? Answer: You should never feel guilty about saying “no.” But we do. I do.

So it is all about prioritizing what YOU can afford to care about.

This was the value for me: I found a way to draw a line in the sand, without equivocation or backing down. Did I still have to do all the work myself? Yes. Did I have to roll over be nice about it? No. I wasn’t an asshole about it, although The Funny One didn’t think so, but The Funny One is the one with his crap still in the house-that-is-listed-for-sale.

Is this related to shamanism? Yes, in the sense that we all have to reclaim our personal power before we can attempt to help others. Yes, because I have ALWAYS had problems with boundaries and it ended up either with shame (“good girls are not selfish. You are selfish for not doing as I ask”) or with me in a simmering passive/aggressive mode.

And I don’t like either behavior.

So, New Year, new attitude.


A Little Woo Woo


Our Blogging 101 assignment was to pick an event from the Community Event listings and participate. I am participating in monthly challenge of Your Woo Story by straightwoo.com.  #MyWooStory  My Woo Story.

So I am cheating a little by reposting from a blog I started in 2013 that went for a bout a year, until my dad got sick and I had to put everything on hold for my family. That blog was called My Grail Quest.

Fifteen years ago, I had a dark night of the soul that set me on a journey to find something sacred to believe in. Most of the time, it felt like I was thrashing around in a dark tunnel with no direction whatsoever. Occasionally I’d latch on to a philosophy and read it to death. I ended up with bookcases of material, some noteworthy, some dreadful.

But no direction.

This was frustrating. I wanted a plan but mostly I wanted (a or any) god to drop a neon sign that Clearly Gave Direction, as to what I was here for, and what I was to do. Because I’ve always felt this dissatisfying itch, that I was supposed to “do” something. Something…Big. Something…Important.

A lot of dialogue went on in my head. I kept asking for signs. One morning, a voice screamed in my head “You have what you need, within you.”

So this is my Grail Quest. To find what I have, within me.

Some of these posts will no doubt skirt the subject, but whatever the ‘something’ is, I’ll find out.


To be

I am having a pretty good week, quest-wise. I feel the Connection to the Source, which is reassuring. Wednesday morning I felt confident enough to do a shamanic journey.

Journeying is like reading the Tarot cards, you have to be in the right frame of mind. No anxiety or stress because that will cut your connection to Source. No desperation because you’ll be reaching for an outcome.

Those can be rare conditions and I took advantage of feeling at peace.

As usual, my question involved What Am I Here To Do? I worry I’m wasting my time on earth. And that time is running out.  And that I won’t find another job that’s fulfilling and that supports me. Ugh. Monkey mind.

In my journey, I was shown a beautiful swimming pool. Clear blue water under a sunny sky. My teacher said “Look at the water. It’s always water but sometimes it’s the ocean, sometimes it’s rain. Sometimes it’s ice or snow or vapor. But …”

“It’s always water,” I said.

“It doesn’t have a problem with that.”

I heard an implied question. I’m the one who has a  problem being who I am.

Who was I?

“Can I go in the pool?”

“Of course,” he lit a cigarette. He was wearing frayed cut offs. “You can take it with you, you know.”

I got in and floated. It felt amazing. Relaxing. Just to be.

And that was the message.

It’s ok to just “Be” or “be.”

Sink or Swim, aka, Fake it till you make it

Blogging 101 Assignment: Writing prompt

I was a painfully shy kid. Maybe it was being the oldest, maybe it was because my mom was an only child and I picked up on how insecure she felt about raising me.

Anyway, beyond furious blushing, I tried to stay in the background and shrink away from sight anytime I was outside of familiar territory. My parents were from the old-school of “kids should be seen and not heard” which only really worked with me, by the way.

Eventually I felt very trapped by my own fears. By the time I went to college – a small Catholic women’s college – I pretty much knew I had to do something to overcome this. I just didn’t know where to start. This was the early 80’s before self-help gurus.

I had a really big dream though.

I wanted to work for the CIA.

I know, right? shy Catholic kid from the midwest. Probably read too many Robert Ludlum books, but I was idealistic enough to want to make a difference.

So I pranced my ass down to Washington, D.C. with some girlfriends for a week. My mom said I would never bother to go interview anywhere, it was a off-hand comment, but sort of stung.

Our first stop, after getting overcharged by a taxi driver, was to our Congressman’s office, . we got our picture taken with him on the Capital steps. I mustered the nerve to ask about job opportunities, thinking they’d blow me off. But they let me use their typewriter to fill out applications and rewrite my resume.

Two months later, I got a call from the CIA to interview.  There were a battery of tests, and two different trips to D.C. It was an amazing time, and included a trip with just me and my Dad to D.C. (because what father would let is 22 year old daughter go alone to the CIA to interview, right? My dad was a total hit with a lot of the staff.)

There’s a lot of funny stuff to this story, but it’s outside the theme of this post.

Needless to say, my mom was clicking the beads furiously that I didn’t get the job.

And after 7 months of interviewing, I was cut. And devastated.

But – this became my benchmark for overcoming my shyness. “If I can interview with the CIA, I can do ___________.” And for years, until I grew into a confident person, I used this mantra.

Don’t let YOU be your stumbling block. See yourself in the role you want, the job you want, the life you desire, and find one thing you accomplished and let it be your benchmark until you reach that goal.

Losing a pet

Today’s Blogging 101 assignment is to compose a post, based on a comment I made yesterday.


Cammy’s furkid transitioned to spirit. When I read her post The Dignity and the Mystery, I was really touched, because we lost our Rhett Butler this time, last year. He was a gentle soul, a rescued coonhound of middle age back in 2009, and dearly loved.

Rhett Butler, October 2009

There are no greater optimists, then those who love an animal and bring them into their homes. You know they will leave you one day. And despite this heartache, we do it again and again.

Why is this?

Everyone will have a different answer. For me, it is because I cannot imagine life without a dog.Their love is unconditional. And a rescue dog, well, you save a life and that will allow another dog to be rescued and find their forever home.

I was with Rhett at the end, and before him, with our basset hound Aerosmith.

Aerosmith, summer 2008

This is sacred time. And through the tears, we told each of them how loved they were, and how we would miss them, but that we understood. When Aero passed, I felt his spirit lift and a sense of a gold/yellow presence ran off to go chase a scent. Through the tears, I realized he had given me a great gift, the gift of feeling his spirit run free, and the knowing that life never ends, it just changes.


And from their lessons, I learned to cherish the sacred time I had with my dad, before and as he transitioned. We should all have this gift, this reverence for life, as it comes in and as it transitions forward.


Findhorn Gardens and Plant Communication

I started communicating with plants during a drive to learn all I could about medicinal herbs.

I typically go down the rabbit hole on any new project, reading everything I can get my hands on, researching, etc. And in the case of plants, I actually followed through with some amazing gardens and a Master Gardener’s certificate.

It was “Findhorn Gardens” though, that startled me into an actual attempt to listen to the plants, the plant spirits and nature.

Findhorn Gardens still exist in Scotland. (Cliff Note: book details the experiences of three people in the early 1960’s who heard the voices of plant spirits. They co-created an amazing garden out of horrible soil.)

If somebody else can do it, I should be able to do it, I thought. So I started listening REALLY HARD. And trying to talk to the plants through my mind. like this ” I LOVE YOU BASIL, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE HERB.”


Doing anything really hard = forcing. And the results were poor.

So what I have learned is to “allow”. Allow myself to listen. Allow the plants to talk. Books tend to present the dialogue as talking. But it is just as often a picture, or a feeling. For me, with the plants, it’s less talking and more of a feeling. Your experience may differ – and that’s as it should be. We all are different in how we best communicate.

Some of the best gardeners I’ve met, operate on an intuitive level. They may or may not believe in plant communication, per SE, but they “know” on some level, what that garden needs.

Which is the bottom line. What is it, that is needed. You won’t find everything in a book. Sometimes the answers are within you.


Stepping beyond fear

Now I remember the reason my other blogs failed.

Having to post.

Today’s assignment from Blogging 101 was to post to our ideal audience, to imagine one person who we wanted to reach with our words.

And I froze like a deer in headlights.

So, that’s what this post is about. Those moments when we have absolute control over something: a new blog post, a blank page of our novel and generally the opportunity to do what we want with our lives.

I won’t lie, for as much as I talk about turning animal communication and healing into a real practice, I use every opportunity to avoid it.

Lately it’s been because I truly couldn’t commit to anything while I was caring for Mom and Dad at the level I was. Before that, it was lack of training, before that it was something else.

Just like this morning. I read the assignment last night, got pumped up to write, and this morning I have avoided it like the plague. Where did last night’s inspiration go?

And this is my fear overall. After all the studying and practicing, all the life events, am I really good enough to put myself “out there” ?

Am I enough?

And if not, when will I be enough? I hear a lot of voices in my head from growing up, we all do. Our parents, teachers, bosses, co-workers and peers. And maybe worst of all, people we don’t know, people on social media, who tout their own amazing life/gifts/skills – or worse, people who put you down for expressing your dreams.

So, this is for you, my ideal audience. The person who is reading this and saying, “I always wanted to ….”

You can do it. You don’t have to share it with the world, in fact you should nurture that dream like a spark before it becomes a flame. But it will become a flame because there are people like me who believe in you. I don’t even know you, but I believe in your Soul. I believe that you and I were put here for a reason and it was for more than just to exist and worry.

It is to bring whatever gift you have, out into a world that is sadly lacking in gifts, in joy and in gratitude.

I want to have the BIG GIFT to give: the cure for cancer, the answer to achieve world peace.

But my gift is really to hold sacred space for everyone, to be the smile, maybe the only smile you get today, to be the healer for those around me, and believe me, that is a very small radius.

But a pebble thrown in a lake causes increasingly large ripples to flow outward.

And that’s a great gift.

So to complete the assignment I have to embed something in the post. This is me smiling at you.1483877_10152476219073275_212951160_o