A Little Woo Woo

 

Our Blogging 101 assignment was to pick an event from the Community Event listings and participate. I am participating in monthly challenge of Your Woo Story by straightwoo.com.  #MyWooStory  My Woo Story.

So I am cheating a little by reposting from a blog I started in 2013 that went for a bout a year, until my dad got sick and I had to put everything on hold for my family. That blog was called My Grail Quest.

Fifteen years ago, I had a dark night of the soul that set me on a journey to find something sacred to believe in. Most of the time, it felt like I was thrashing around in a dark tunnel with no direction whatsoever. Occasionally I’d latch on to a philosophy and read it to death. I ended up with bookcases of material, some noteworthy, some dreadful.

But no direction.

This was frustrating. I wanted a plan but mostly I wanted (a or any) god to drop a neon sign that Clearly Gave Direction, as to what I was here for, and what I was to do. Because I’ve always felt this dissatisfying itch, that I was supposed to “do” something. Something…Big. Something…Important.

A lot of dialogue went on in my head. I kept asking for signs. One morning, a voice screamed in my head “You have what you need, within you.”

So this is my Grail Quest. To find what I have, within me.

Some of these posts will no doubt skirt the subject, but whatever the ‘something’ is, I’ll find out.

 

To be

I am having a pretty good week, quest-wise. I feel the Connection to the Source, which is reassuring. Wednesday morning I felt confident enough to do a shamanic journey.

Journeying is like reading the Tarot cards, you have to be in the right frame of mind. No anxiety or stress because that will cut your connection to Source. No desperation because you’ll be reaching for an outcome.

Those can be rare conditions and I took advantage of feeling at peace.

As usual, my question involved What Am I Here To Do? I worry I’m wasting my time on earth. And that time is running out.  And that I won’t find another job that’s fulfilling and that supports me. Ugh. Monkey mind.

In my journey, I was shown a beautiful swimming pool. Clear blue water under a sunny sky. My teacher said “Look at the water. It’s always water but sometimes it’s the ocean, sometimes it’s rain. Sometimes it’s ice or snow or vapor. But …”

“It’s always water,” I said.

“It doesn’t have a problem with that.”

I heard an implied question. I’m the one who has a  problem being who I am.

Who was I?

“Can I go in the pool?”

“Of course,” he lit a cigarette. He was wearing frayed cut offs. “You can take it with you, you know.”

I got in and floated. It felt amazing. Relaxing. Just to be.

And that was the message.

It’s ok to just “Be” or “be.”

Sink or Swim, aka, Fake it till you make it

Blogging 101 Assignment: Writing prompt

I was a painfully shy kid. Maybe it was being the oldest, maybe it was because my mom was an only child and I picked up on how insecure she felt about raising me.

Anyway, beyond furious blushing, I tried to stay in the background and shrink away from sight anytime I was outside of familiar territory. My parents were from the old-school of “kids should be seen and not heard” which only really worked with me, by the way.

Eventually I felt very trapped by my own fears. By the time I went to college – a small Catholic women’s college – I pretty much knew I had to do something to overcome this. I just didn’t know where to start. This was the early 80’s before self-help gurus.

I had a really big dream though.

I wanted to work for the CIA.

I know, right? shy Catholic kid from the midwest. Probably read too many Robert Ludlum books, but I was idealistic enough to want to make a difference.

So I pranced my ass down to Washington, D.C. with some girlfriends for a week. My mom said I would never bother to go interview anywhere, it was a off-hand comment, but sort of stung.

Our first stop, after getting overcharged by a taxi driver, was to our Congressman’s office, . we got our picture taken with him on the Capital steps. I mustered the nerve to ask about job opportunities, thinking they’d blow me off. But they let me use their typewriter to fill out applications and rewrite my resume.

Two months later, I got a call from the CIA to interview.  There were a battery of tests, and two different trips to D.C. It was an amazing time, and included a trip with just me and my Dad to D.C. (because what father would let is 22 year old daughter go alone to the CIA to interview, right? My dad was a total hit with a lot of the staff.)

There’s a lot of funny stuff to this story, but it’s outside the theme of this post.

Needless to say, my mom was clicking the beads furiously that I didn’t get the job.

And after 7 months of interviewing, I was cut. And devastated.

But – this became my benchmark for overcoming my shyness. “If I can interview with the CIA, I can do ___________.” And for years, until I grew into a confident person, I used this mantra.

Don’t let YOU be your stumbling block. See yourself in the role you want, the job you want, the life you desire, and find one thing you accomplished and let it be your benchmark until you reach that goal.

Stepping beyond fear

Now I remember the reason my other blogs failed.

Having to post.

Today’s assignment from Blogging 101 was to post to our ideal audience, to imagine one person who we wanted to reach with our words.

And I froze like a deer in headlights.

So, that’s what this post is about. Those moments when we have absolute control over something: a new blog post, a blank page of our novel and generally the opportunity to do what we want with our lives.

I won’t lie, for as much as I talk about turning animal communication and healing into a real practice, I use every opportunity to avoid it.

Lately it’s been because I truly couldn’t commit to anything while I was caring for Mom and Dad at the level I was. Before that, it was lack of training, before that it was something else.

Just like this morning. I read the assignment last night, got pumped up to write, and this morning I have avoided it like the plague. Where did last night’s inspiration go?

And this is my fear overall. After all the studying and practicing, all the life events, am I really good enough to put myself “out there” ?

Am I enough?

And if not, when will I be enough? I hear a lot of voices in my head from growing up, we all do. Our parents, teachers, bosses, co-workers and peers. And maybe worst of all, people we don’t know, people on social media, who tout their own amazing life/gifts/skills – or worse, people who put you down for expressing your dreams.

So, this is for you, my ideal audience. The person who is reading this and saying, “I always wanted to ….”

You can do it. You don’t have to share it with the world, in fact you should nurture that dream like a spark before it becomes a flame. But it will become a flame because there are people like me who believe in you. I don’t even know you, but I believe in your Soul. I believe that you and I were put here for a reason and it was for more than just to exist and worry.

It is to bring whatever gift you have, out into a world that is sadly lacking in gifts, in joy and in gratitude.

I want to have the BIG GIFT to give: the cure for cancer, the answer to achieve world peace.

But my gift is really to hold sacred space for everyone, to be the smile, maybe the only smile you get today, to be the healer for those around me, and believe me, that is a very small radius.

But a pebble thrown in a lake causes increasingly large ripples to flow outward.

And that’s a great gift.

So to complete the assignment I have to embed something in the post. This is me smiling at you.1483877_10152476219073275_212951160_o